Chapter 13
Defensive Parenting . . . Avoiding Problems by Planning Ahead
When children are armed with the ability to decode passwords, scramble our files and locate our credit card information and passwords on our computer systems, it's hard to control them. It's even harder to figure out what they might do next, in order to stay one step ahead of them.
But who said parenting was easy? Parenting is always learning on the fly, having to address the unexpected, having your kids leave a chocolate bar on your sofa cushion in June or spit up on your outfit just as you are leaving for work . . . why should your kids' computer activities be the exception?
Passwords. Don't share your passwords or store them where they can be found: remember that those who control the passwords control the world. Find a password you can remember easily, but one that's not so obvious that your children can figure it out. Also, change your password frequently. When you type it in, don't let them look over your shoulder. Never store it on your hard drive, or preprogram it into your sign on screen. This may cost you a few more seconds when you get online, but may save you plenty of heartaches.
You should also remember that some services, such as America Online, will allow you to charge certain purchases to your account. Since most AOL members have their bills automatically charged to a credit card, or deducted from their checking account each month, this is a more convenient way of purchasing something online than having to type in your credit card information each time. That's another reason to guard your password: it identifies you as the account holder.
Protecting your children when they're not home. Make sure that you and the parents of your children's friends are in agreement about monitoring the children's activities online, and that you use similar tools to enforce your choices. If not, circumventing your parental controls is as simple as your children walking next door and computing at a friend's house. If you can't agree on a joint policy, make sure the other parents honor your wishes and keep your children off their computer while visiting.
Backup or password-protect your files. Don't leave important files on your computer without a backup and password protection if your kids are using the computer unsupervised.
Even the most innocent and experienced computer user may push the wrong keys at the wrong time. I've done it myself. (Far more often than I will admit.) Important speeches or articles are lost with a click of the mouse. The first outline for this book, carefully prepared on my new laptop during a trip to Moscow, was lost completely. The computer shut down, without provocation (I swear I didn't do anything . . . ), and the automatic backup didn't work. Jet lagged and exhausted, I had to start from scratch. (So, if you don't like this book, I can promise you that the earlier outline would have been better. If you like it, ignore that thought, thank you.)
So, if you have something important, make a backup copy on a floppy disk. Or better yet, password-protect your files on the computer, in addition to saving important files to a tape backup (a special device which stores copies of your files in special condensed tapes) or floppy. That way, it's less likely that your children will be tempted to snoop through your personal files. Many software programs allow you to password-protect certain information. It's easy and will avoid a myriad of problems.
Credit cards. Don't store your credit card information on your computer. As inconvenient as it might be to have to access it from somewhere else, it creates too much of a temptation for computer-savvy kids and their friends.
By the way, don't be afraid of using your credit cards online, as long as you follow certain safety rules:
1. Only supply your credit card information on secure lines. (Your web browser will warn you if it's not a secure transmission.)
2. Make sure, even if the line is secure, that you're dealing with a reputable company, and that they are who they say they are.
You're already protected, at least for everything over $50.00, if someone else charges on your card without your authorization. (As one Internet expert said, if you trust your credit card to gas station attendants who take your card and process it out of your view, you have no reason to be worried about using your credit card on the Internet.) AOL, as a special service to their members, covers that first $50 for any unauthorized charges on their system with an AOL vendor.
Keep the computer in a central family location, not in your child's room. Make sure that the computer with online access is located wherever the family hangs out together. It's harder for our children to get into trouble right under our noses. (Not impossible, however, just harder . . . ) Friends who may be provoking the situation would also have problems provoking it with you around: provocation requires too much energy to be done quietly. You'd notice something is up.
Let your kids know that many people are not what they seem. I remember a comedy skit where a middle-aged beer-bellied man in his underwear was pretending to be a young teenage girl while chatting online with a teenage football jock, who was really a middle-age woman in curlers and a house-dress.
While my kids laughed at the skit, it also brought the issue home. People online are not always what they say they are.
Many kids are lured online by adults masquerading as kids. As disillusioning as it might seem, warning them about this risk now may protect them from serious danger later.
Make sure you can see what's on the monitor. And let your kids know you look at it from time to time. Kids can get into trouble under our noses, but knowing that you can see what they're doing,whenever you want to, keeps them on the straight and narrow. (It worked for me when my daughter walked into my room and I was searching for sexual sites to test the software against.)
Check your hard drive and any floppy disks every once in a while. Look for downloaded images stored on your hard drive or on floppy disks. They are easily spotted, because they generally end with either ".jpg" or ".GIF."
Let your kids know you're checking downloaded materials. I think that snooping through their private things without letting them know that you might is a terrible violation of their privacy.
Cover your own tracks. If you visit sites you don't want your children to see, check your hard drive for these wayward graphics and make sure your bookmarks don't lead them to those sites. (When I checked my hard drive for an image I couldn't find, I found a pornographic image that had been loaded onto my computer. I'm the only one who uses this particular computer and hadn't loaded the image. I can only assume that some new technology allowed one of the sites I was viewing to drop a graphic onto my drive.)
One of the reasons the First Amendment exists is to let you see what you want without having to worry about whether it's appropriate for children. But be careful about naming your bookmarks, and make sure you haven't stored anything you don't want your kids to see on your hard drive or on an accessible disk.
Don't send them out there alone until they're ready. Screen e-mail when your kids are younger and sit with them while they're in any non-child unsupervised chatrooms. Make sure they know the chatroom rules too, and where to report violations and things that make them feel uncomfortable. Knowing the basic rules will help them surf more safely. The two most important rules, in my opinion, are:
• Make sure your child knows what information can be shared and what cannot be shared with others online; and
• Make sure your child knows never to meet someone in person whom they have met online.
Play an active and interested part in your children's online life. Get to know your children's online friends and correspondents. Your children shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything, so don't criticize them when something goes wrong. Encourage your children to come to you when they are uncomfortable or receive a message that violates your rules or makes them uncomfortable. Secrets can be dangerous. Be the one your children share their secrets with, and be worthy of that valuable trust.
Don't rely on software to prevent a sophisticated computer kid from getting into trouble. Even with all the software devices and tools we have on the market to protect our kids and to keep them from getting into trouble online, a computer savvy kid can get around them. And, the tools are imperfect. Several of them let many sites through that you may not want your children to see. Don't rely on technology to protect your children, that's your job.
You need to know if your kids can be trusted. Educate them on the risks of hacking and other improper computer and online behavior. Teach them good netiquette. Then, if they still can't be trusted, lock your computer and take the key with you. There may be no other way of keeping them out of trouble.
Some basic rules for you to remember as a parent . . . Your cheat sheet
• Make sure your child doesn't spend all of her time on the computer.
• People, not computers, should be their best friends and companions.
• Keep the computer in a family room, kitchen or living room, not in your child's bedroom.
• Learn enough about computers so you can enjoy them together with your kids.
• Watch your children when they're online and see where they go.
• Make sure that your children feel comfortable coming to you with questions.
• Keep kids out of chatrooms or IRCs unless they are monitored.
• Encourage discussions between you and your child about what they enjoy online.
• Discuss these rules, get your children to agree to adhere to them, and post them near the computer as a reminder.
• Help them find a balance between computing and other activities.
• Remember to monitor their compliance with these rules, especially when it comes to the amount of time your children spend on the computer.
• Get to know their "online friends" just as you get to know all of their other friends.
• Warn them that people may not be what they seem to be.
Know Your Kids and Create a Workable "Internet Use Policy" for Them.
Find out what your children's interests are. What do they read? What do they watch on television? If they're already on the Internet, what do they access?
Even without an ulterior motive, it's a wonderful way to get to know your children. Too often we talk at our children, rather than listen to them. And they have wonderful things to tell us, if we just listen.
Ask them to show you around the Internet. Access their bookmarks with them. Don't ambush them and make it look like you're spying on them. Take this opportunity to share some of their interests. You might be pleasantly surprised to learn some of the things that interest them.
For instance, how do they find their way around the Internet? Do they rely on hyperlinks (links to other sites), or do they use a search engine? If so, which one? Ask them why they prefer one over the other, and how they formulate their searches.
Once you have a better idea about how your children use the Internet, you can start developing a set of rules to govern their behavior online and to guide them into safer waters. Your rules should be designed to help them understand proper netiquette, know what to expect from others online, how to behave when something unexpected occurs and how to protect themselves and you from getting hurt in cyberspace. That's an "Internet use policy." (Some call them "acceptable use policies" or "agreements.")
These rules are mutual rules, and should be constructed by both parent and child, not just forced upon your children. Part of what will make them work is the communication between you when the rules are being designed. Some kids respond well to a written policy signed by both the parents and the child; others would prefer a list to be posted near the computer, as a reminder. You should do what makes you both comfortable. After all, you know your kids best.
The site of the Direct Marketing Association, a direct marketing industry group, (www.the-dma.org) has an automated Internet use policy feature. You answer the questions, making your choices. Then the program prepares a policy customized for you, based upon your indicated choices, which you can print out. You should check it out. (I discuss more about the Direct Marketing Association's site later on in The Bottom Line . . . What Have You Learned So Far? chapter.)
Points to consider in drafting your own policy
I have given you some basic rules and you should feel free to change them to suit both your and your child's needs. In the chart below, I've tried to sum up the most important tips to remember. Consider it your cheat sheet in advising your child.
• People on the Internet can pretend to be anyone or anything they want. Don't let them fool you.
• Don't use bad language.
• Don't get into arguments with or answer anyone who uses bad language.
• Don't answer if someone says something that makes you feel uncomfortable or that you feel is "bad."
• If someone is doing something "bad," you should tell your parents right away. But don't turn off the computer or log out of the area where the person is doing something "bad." (The adult can then find the person and report his activities as a terms of service violation.)
• Use a fun name when you're online, not your real name (not even your real first name).
• Don't spend all your time online. Set limits on your computer use.
• Never give your real name, address, school, parents' names, friends' names, where your parents work, anyone else's e-mail address or any telephone number to anyone.
• If anyone asks you for this information, don't answer them, and tell your parents or the adult in charge of the chatroom.
• Never talk to anyone you met online over the phone, send them anything or accept anything from them or agree to meet with them unless your parents agree and are with you.
• Never show your picture online to someone without your parents' consent.
• Don't put any information in your online service profile without your parents' consent.
• There are places on the Internet where people talk about and show pictures of things we don't agree with. If you see something like that, click the "Back" button and tell your parents.
• Don't do anything online that costs money unless your parents say it's okay.
• Never give out your password.
• Never give out credit card information.
• Don't copy other people's material and pretend that it's yours.
I've included a sample Internet use policy in the Appendix. I'll tell you what I tell my clients when they ask me if they should use a form agreement. If it fits all your needs, use it. Otherwise, you should use it as a guide in writing your own.
Educate Your Children About the Dangers in Cyberspace
Out of all the tools and tips I will share with you, the most important one is that YOU are the first and best line of defense in protecting your children in cyberspace.
Having been briefed by the leading Internet specialists, President Clinton agrees. He concluded that "the ultimate responsibility rests on parents' shoulders. Cutting-edge technology and criminal prosecutions can not substitute for responsible mothers and fathers. Parents must sit down with their children and learn about the Internet."
Teaching your children to be aware and careful in cyberspace is more important than any software or hardware device you can buy.
The same old thing . . . in a new and improved package
For some reason, people forget what they always knew when they get online. I don't know why. All the normal stuff applies exactly the same in cyberspace. Use the same lectures your parents gave you: the same ones their parents gave them.
Don't talk to or accept anything from strangers. (See . . . familiar territory . . . .repeat after me . . . ) Come straight home. Don't say nasty things about other people. Be polite. Don't tell people personal things about yourself. Don't tell personal things about your family.
If you haven't told your children this yet, I suggest you do it quickly before your children go to school and repeat something from home. I'll share a favorite story with you. My former mother-in-law, whom I adore, was always joking with her children. My former brother-in-law, always the most gullible one in the family, asked her what she did for a living. She was a housewife, in the best sense of the word. But jokingly she told him that she used to be an exotic dancer. (In those days they were called "strippers.") While we all giggled, unfortunately he remembered and when his teacher asked what their parents did, he told her. My father-in-law, then president of the PTA, heard about it during one of the meetings. The moral of the story is . . . .
I told you that you already know this stuff, but just needed someone to translate it into cyberspace terms. Here's the translation:
Don't talk to or accept anything from strangers. Who's a stranger? As I told you before, one of the biggest problems with cyberpredators is that they function in your home. Our kids feel safe with us seated nearby.
There is a sense of intimacy online that cyberpredators count on. They need to convince your children that they are not strangers at all. You need to remind them that these people are strangers.
Come straight home. When I was young, I was famous for wandering around after school. Friends always invited me home with them, or something interesting was going on. My mother would panic and I would get the same lecture day after day.
Wandering aimlessly online isn't any different from my wandering around after school. My mother needed to know I was safe, and that I was doing something productive, like homework. Allowing your children to spend unlimited time online, surfing aimlessly, is asking for trouble.
Make sure there's a reason they're surfing. If they are just surfing randomly, set a time limit. You want them to come home after they're done, to human interaction and family activities (and homework).
Don't say nasty things about other people. Saying nasty things about other people in cyberspace is called "flaming." It often violates the "terms of service" of your online service provider and will certainly get a reaction from other people online.
Flaming matches can be long and extended battles, moving from a chatroom or discussion group to e-mail quickly. If your child feels that someone is flaming them, they should tell you and the sysop (system operator, pronounced sis-op) or moderator in charge right away.
Be Polite. There are rules for each online area. Learn the rules first. Chatrooms each have their own rules. Don't barge in and start talking until you've had a chance to see what everyone's discussing. Read the discussion thread for awhile, instead of asking everyone what they were talking about. And be respectful of others and their opinions. Don't post the same message over and over. Other people's time is valuable and they don't want to have to weed through the same messages you posted in tons of places. If someone helps you, say "thank you." Courtesy goes a long way in cyberspace.
Don't tell people personal things about yourself. Don't tell personal things about your family. You never really know who you're talking to. And even if you think you know who you are talking to, there could be strangers lurking and reading without letting you know that they are there. It's like writing your personal diary on a postcard.
With children especially, sharing personal information puts them at risk. Make sure your children understand what you consider personal information, and agree to keep it confidential online and everywhere else.